My Own Prison
by Goddess Isa
Summary: Xander and issues, and all of them are in his POV


TITLE: My Own Prison  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: Xander and Willow try, or not, to have a relationship. Or at least, he tries to get over wanting to have one with her. Am I confusing you? In Xander's POV  
SPOILER: Amends & Lover's Walk specifically  
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =)  
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P  
RATING: TV-14  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, Joss Whedon does. If he ever decides to give them to me, that would be nice. =)   
  
  
  
I think loneliness is the worst thing in the world. I sit in my room sometime and think about just how alone I really am and how I don't have anyone. And then my head clicks on and I realize that I do have someone. I have Buffy and Giles and Willow and even Oz. He totally forgives me for what happened between Willow and I, which I can't believe. I know I wouldn't be as forgiving.   
  
Still, all the friends in the world don't add up to love.   
  
All right, so you have a problem when one of the friends is one of the people you love, but still.   
  
I've had feelings for Willow all my life. I know I never really knew what those feelings meant until last October, but still. They were there.   
  
To think all those years she loved me and I couldn't see it. When I think about how much that must've hurt her, it makes me hurt.   
  
  
//A court is in session, a verdict is in  
  
No appeal on the docket today  
  
Just my own sin\\   
  
  
Willow just called. She's going with Buffy to have senior pictures taken at a studio and they wanted to know if I wanted to come and sit in on a few. I declined - I'd just feel like the third wheel. Wait. Those pics would look like I was in a threesome with two beautiful women. Perhaps I should rethink my decision.....   
  
  
//The walls are cold and pale  
  
The cage made of steel  
  
Screams fill the room  
  
Alone I drop and kneel\\   
  
  
When I think about it now, a whopping hour later, I wouldn't have belonged at that photo session with the girls. Buffy and Willow are best friends, and they'll always be that, I can just tell. Those pictures will be symbols of that in thirty years. I can't even picture Buffy in thirty years. Maybe it's the Slayer thing.   
  
I used to imagine Willow and I grown up. We'd be old and living together as best friends because our spouses died.   
  
Why wasn't that a sign to me? Why didn't I get it then?   
  
  
//Silence now the sound  
  
My breath the only motion around  
  
Demons cluttering around   
  
My face showing no emotion\\   
  
  
It's late now, around eleven p.m. I'm assuming the girls are home from their photo shoot now. Probably staying over at one of their houses, gossiping around the graduating class until someone conks out or until Giles calls them to the library on a Slaying matter. One of the two.   
  
  
//Shackled by my sentence  
  
Expecting no return  
  
Here there is no penance  
  
My skin begins to burn\\   
  
  
I get left out sometimes, but I think that's because they're trying to protect me. I used to tell myself that because I felt horrible, but now I see that they really are worried about me. I'm not smart like Willow, or fast like Buffy, or.....British like Giles. I'm just Xander. Plain, old, single Xander.   
  
  
//So I held my head up high  
  
Hiding hate that burns inside  
  
Which only fuels their selfish pride  
  
We're all held captive  
  
Out from the sun  
  
A sun that shines on only some   
  
We the meek are all in one\\   
  
  
The phone just rang. I half expected a wrong number but it was Buffy. She said she couldn't sleep and was going on patrol if I wanted to come. She's never done this before, so I've accepted. I'm worried about what she'll say or do, because something tells me this meeting is more about getting things off our chests than it is about Slaying Vamps.   
  
  
//I hear a thunder in the distance  
  
See a vision of a cross  
  
I feel the pain that was given  
  
On a sad day of loss\\   
  
  
We spend the first twenty or so minutes just walking, not saying anything. She dusted a single Vampire and the silence resumed. I didn't know how to break it, so I didn't try.   
  
  
//A lion roars in the darkness  
  
Only he holds the key  
  
A light to free me from my burden   
  
And grant me life eternally\\   
  
  
"What's with you?" she finally asked.   
  
"Me? You're the one who feels like walking the streets of the Hellmouth at nearly one am for the hell of it."   
  
She sighed. "I wanted to talk to you about Willow, Xander."   
  
"She hates me, right?"   
  
"You know it's just the opposite."   
  
"If she loves me, why is she with Oz?"   
  
She sighed. "You know Xander, I'm not sure she knows. You guys were so happy when you were doing......that stuff, and she said she's never felt about anyone the way she feels about you."   
  
"But she's still with Oz." it wasn't a question, it was a statement.   
  
"She might not want to be, but I'm not sure she knows how to break it off."   
  
"Well, that's just great." I held a stake out just for the hell of it and dusted a Vampire, which pleased me to no end. I smiled proudly at Buffy. "At least I'm good for something."   
  
 "You're good for a lot of things, Xander," she smiled. "You just don't realize it."  
  
  
//Should have been dead  
  
On a Sunday morning  
  
Banging my head  
  
No time for mourning  
  
Ain't got no time\\   
  
  
"You know, if you hear that they're breaking up, call me." I threw my stake down in frustration. "I think I'm gonna go home."   
  
"What will that do?"   
  
"It'll get me into bed, and I'm tired."   
  
"Too tired to talk?"   
  
Willow.   
  
  
//I cry out to God  
  
Seeking only his decision   
  
Gabriel stands and confirms   
  
I've created my own prison\\   
  
  
I spot movement in the trees, and I know Angel is approaching. Buffy squirms, notices the voice was Willow and smiles. "I'm gonna leave you too alone, I see the shadows up there."   
  
We both know what she means and wave goodbye as she disappears into the night with her Vampire.   
  
"Hi," Willow's voice is soft.   
  
"Hi."   
  
"Cordelia called me tonight."   
  
That's strange. "Why?"   
  
"She wanted to know if you bought me any jewelry while you guys were dating,"   
  
I shook my head. "She's a laugh."   
  
"She's who she is." she moved to a large headstone and sat on it. "We need to talk Xander."   
  
  
//Should have been dead  
  
On a Sunday morning  
  
Banging my head  
  
No time for mourning  
  
Ain't got no time\\  
  
  
"About?"   
  
"I'm not sure. I feel torn about my relationship with Oz and my relationship with you."   
  
"What relationship?" I cracked.   
  
Her eyes showed hurt. "Xander...."   
  
"Sorry. I really do care for you, but I don't know where that gets me when you're with someone else."   
  
"Be--"   
  
"And don't even say anything about what we did before because 'before' doesn't cut it, and it almost got Cordelia killed."   
  
She sighed. Her sigh is so cute. "Xander? Maybe I need to try things with you to see how I feel."   
  
"I'm not gonna be in a layaway date program, Willow." I was shocked that she suggested such a thing. It's very unlike her.   
  
"I didn't mean--" she stopped, and jumped off the headstone, cursing. "I love you."   
  
"What does love have to do with it?" I shouted. "Xander?"   
  
"If it's about you loving me, why are you still with Oz?"   
  
She didn't have an answer, so I grabbed her, kissed her, and left.    
  
  
//I've created my own prison\\  



End file.
